Though there was a small chance that I would be able to stay in League A for Yunguseng Dojang, unfortunately I was unable to rise to the occasion and will receive my first demotion to League B.
Before Sabumnim’s Review*
I always thought that getting demoted would feel similar to seeing my rank drop, but I have to say that this feels worse. Maybe I’ll change my mind after the fact, but this feels worse. And if I were to give a reason why, it’s probably because I spent time and effort over an entire month only to be shown my inadequacy.
I would be lying if I said that I’m cool with it and feeling whatever about it. A large part of me is frustrated and disappointed with myself.
As I sulk in this aura of frustration and angst, it is causing a lot of doubt to spread. Doubt as to whether or not I actually got any stronger over this last month. Doubt as to whether I have any talent at all since my games were nothing to be proud of (as evident in the past reviews). Doubt as to what the hell I’ve been doing this entire month since I’ve been so unstable (especially towards the end of the month).
It’s stupid and childish to think such thoughts. I know. I guess I’m just really feeling at a loss for what is going on with me. While part of it might be mental, another part of me feel like there is something wrong with my go. I just feel like I can’t make sense of what I’m doing anymore.
After Sabumim’s Review
When I started writing this post, my self-pity almost caused me to skip the review since I wasn’t sure if I could handle hearing that my game was awful or anything that could further my self-doubt. So as I wrote the first section of this post, I thought that I was doomed to feeling awful for the rest of the night. Thankfully though, against my feelings of self-doubt, I decided to go ahead and stay for the review.
To my surprise, I was happy to find out that my game was actually not a bad game at all. In fact, though I have been in a weird funk lately (in regards to the games I’ve been playing), this final game was probably one of most inspired ones so far. It’s kind of odd writing that because I ended up losing a rather important match, but I really feel that it was one of my most creative games I’ve played to date.*
Part of me still carries some of the frustration from earlier, but I’m in a better place now. Though getting demoted to League B is a bit disappointing, it simply means that I’ll need to work hard next month to get back to League A. Challenge accepted.
*Note: Sabumnim is the Korean equivalent of sensei when it comes to how to address your teacher. And in case it wasn’t obvious, sabumnim refers to Inseong.
**Part of me debated deleting this section to shelter you from my whining and self-pity, but I felt it would be wrong to try and hide it. As much as it might be pathetic and childish, this is part of my journey to gaining that next stone. The frustration, the self-doubt, and the feeling of wanting to just throw in the towel are all obstacles that I deal with and I don’t want to sugarcoat it at all. So for that reason, I hope you’ll understand why I left it in.
*I’m sure many of you will want to see the game, but I promise I’ll be releasing a full post on my first month in Yunguseng Dojang next week so you can see all of my games along with my thoughts on each of them as well.