Feeling Full of Contradictions

Managed to win the first round of Yunguseng Dojang tonight. Contrary to most people’s expectation however, I’m not feeling particularly good about it. I don’t know. Hard to say. Because it feels like to some extend, the games I win I don’t like, but then the games I felt good about are the ones I ended up losing. But my head has been in a bit of a haze lately, so it’s hard to say if what I’m feeling makes any sense at the moment.

What I will say at the moment however, is that I definitely feel like my journey has come to a culmination point where everything seems to be contradicting. In an effort to not play automatic moves and think on a whole board scale, I end up ignoring my instinct to play a move which is actually the proper move that I end up talking myself out of for X reason. Games I win are games I dislike while games I lose are ones that I feel are better. North is south and east is west. Oy vey…

I imagine that others who have gone through this must find it quite difficult. It definitely seems easier to just throw in the towel instead of subjecting myself to being neck deep in this confusion; but this is the time when I’m reminded of the quote:

“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”

– Thomas A. Edison

Going to keep calm and maintain my bearings… Onwards… Always moving forward….

  • MolokaiCowboy

    Western interpretation: Your subconscious mind is absorbing and organizing what you have learned. But your conscious mind is fighting it (” I end up ignoring my instinct”).

    About three years ago, Magnus Carlsen the current World Champion in chess had a bit of a slump. Many thought he had peaked and could rise no further. But he persisted – though he started playing some unusual (for him) openings. When he came out of the slump a few months late his rating soon soared to the highest ever in history of the game. So, perhaps persist if you must (I would leave it alone awhile, myself) but perhaps try some different joseki, fuseki, styles to let your subconscious work unimpeded.

    Now off for an evening of fireworks! Thanks much to the Chinese for inventing them. :)

    • Sphaso

      I was about to write something to that effect but Molokai beat me to it. I remember reading about this in an interview with Natalia Pogonina (chess grandmaster). http://www.chess.com/news/your-questions-answered-by-natalia-pogonina-1256
      It’s the very first answer.
      I see there’s quite a blue tone on this blog recently, but fear not! You’ll be back in no time. The fact that you keep studying but seem getting worse (or that you’re not satisfied with your playing) might actually be a good sign.
      Ready for shodan? 😛
      Good luck, don’t stop to keep us posted!

      • http://www.bengozen.com/ Ben

        Great article! Her answers are a comfort to read since they confirm some of my suspicions of the plight I’ve been in lately.

        I sure am ready for shodan, but I’m in no rush to get there. Haha. I plan on conquering each rank properly (and not do the easy thing which is to create a new account and simply jump to the rank).

        Thanks for the encouragement. I’ll be sure to let you all know how everything is going!

    • http://www.bengozen.com/ Ben

      Thanks for sharing that great anecdote! It certainly gives me some hope that my situation is not hopeless. Haha. To be honest though, the slump I’m in is more or less a byproduct of the fact that I’ve switched styles more or less. But no matter, here’s to hoping I get out of this sooner rather than later.

      Hope you had a great 4th!