Feeling Full of Contradictions

Man­aged to win the first round of Yun­guseng Dojang tonight. Con­trary to most people’s expec­ta­tion how­ever, I’m not feel­ing par­tic­u­larly good about it. I don’t know. Hard to say. Because it feels like to some extend, the games I win I don’t like, but then the games I felt good about are the ones I ended up los­ing. But my head has been in a bit of a haze lately, so it’s hard to say if what I’m feel­ing makes any sense at the moment.

What I will say at the moment how­ever, is that I def­i­nitely feel like my jour­ney has come to a cul­mi­na­tion point where every­thing seems to be con­tra­dict­ing. In an effort to not play auto­matic moves and think on a whole board scale, I end up ignor­ing my instinct to play a move which is actu­ally the proper move that I end up talk­ing myself out of for X rea­son. Games I win are games I dis­like while games I lose are ones that I feel are bet­ter. North is south and east is west. Oy vey…

I imag­ine that oth­ers who have gone through this must find it quite dif­fi­cult. It def­i­nitely seems eas­ier to just throw in the towel instead of sub­ject­ing myself to being neck deep in this con­fu­sion; but this is the time when I’m reminded of the quote:

Many of life’s fail­ures are peo­ple who did not real­ize how close they were to suc­cess when they gave up.”

- Thomas A. Edison

Going to keep calm and main­tain my bear­ings… Onwards… Always mov­ing forward.…

  • MolokaiCow­boy

    West­ern inter­pre­ta­tion: Your sub­con­scious mind is absorb­ing and orga­niz­ing what you have learned. But your con­scious mind is fight­ing it (“ I end up ignor­ing my instinct”).

    About three years ago, Mag­nus Carlsen the cur­rent World Cham­pion in chess had a bit of a slump. Many thought he had peaked and could rise no fur­ther. But he per­sisted — though he started play­ing some unusual (for him) open­ings. When he came out of the slump a few months late his rat­ing soon soared to the high­est ever in his­tory of the game. So, per­haps per­sist if you must (I would leave it alone awhile, myself) but per­haps try some dif­fer­ent joseki, fuseki, styles to let your sub­con­scious work unimpeded.

    Now off for an evening of fire­works! Thanks much to the Chi­nese for invent­ing them. :)

    • Sphaso

      I was about to write some­thing to that effect but Molokai beat me to it. I remem­ber read­ing about this in an inter­view with Natalia Pogo­nina (chess grand­mas­ter). http://www.chess.com/news/your-questions-answered-by-natalia-pogonina-1256
      It’s the very first answer.
      I see there’s quite a blue tone on this blog recently, but fear not! You’ll be back in no time. The fact that you keep study­ing but seem get­ting worse (or that you’re not sat­is­fied with your play­ing) might actu­ally be a good sign.
      Ready for shodan? 😛
      Good luck, don’t stop to keep us posted!

      • http://www.bengozen.com/ Ben

        Great arti­cle! Her answers are a com­fort to read since they con­firm some of my sus­pi­cions of the plight I’ve been in lately.

        I sure am ready for shodan, but I’m in no rush to get there. Haha. I plan on con­quer­ing each rank prop­erly (and not do the easy thing which is to cre­ate a new account and sim­ply jump to the rank).

        Thanks for the encour­age­ment. I’ll be sure to let you all know how every­thing is going!

    • http://www.bengozen.com/ Ben

      Thanks for shar­ing that great anec­dote! It cer­tainly gives me some hope that my sit­u­a­tion is not hope­less. Haha. To be hon­est though, the slump I’m in is more or less a byprod­uct of the fact that I’ve switched styles more or less. But no mat­ter, here’s to hop­ing I get out of this sooner rather than later.

      Hope you had a great 4th!